Computer Problems

Despite having God by my side, I feel L O S T.
It is all coming down to this point.
School is on Monday.
My cousins are leaving this morning.
My computer is not charging. Well, actually, it is off and not turning on at this moment.
I am in San Diego.

I feel completely hopeless.
Everyone...
will be gone...
I wish I could make myself feel better.
Yet, instead of praying to God about how I feel, I am blogging and using Facebook.
I am really stupid.
1. Stupid for even worrying about these events
2. and stupid for not doing anything about it
3. just plain stupid.
HAHA.
I am in a better mood for some reason.

Thinkability

1. Because I obviously have nothing to do except lie in bed, doing nothing, knowing that I’m not gonna be here for at least a month even if I go to family retreat, I will post random facts about myself. Let us make it a hundred, just for the special occasion, hm? By the by, these are in no particular order, they’re just what come in my mind first. *I edited number four, 18, and 34, because I was being sort of stupid then.
   
   1. I currently want a camera.
   2. I am on Yahoo IM talking to my cousin Kyle at this very second.
   3. We are currently slightly arguing about his Facebook account that he had made to be in a relationship with Devonne Lovato and his friend with benefits Gemma.
   4. I don’t really use my e-mail.
   5. I like apples, but not onions, too bad they taste the same when you plug your nose.
   6. I have formed a love for blogging.
   7. I think too much and usually my thoughts make me happy but in the end they make me sort of sad because I know that my thoughts are never going to actually happen. And most of my thoughts end up being suspicions, just like the old times. Maybe I should stop thinking as much, but then it feels like it would take away my ability to wonder about the world in a different way. Boy, this is a long fact.
   8. When I get excited I usually lose myself and end up being sort of on the selfish side like at this moment. I am really sorry God.
   9. At least every day, I log in to Facebook. Is it that bad?
   10. School is starting next week. Oh, joy.
   11. I have a deep love for drawing. I do it a lot. I might post one or two things I have made here, but they’re not really that awesome.
   12. I am currently listening to All Time Low.
   13. I really do want to try to fix things.
   14. These are not really facts, huh? It looks like I’m putting my feelings behind numbers. Here’s one: I like car rides with two people more than three, but it really just depends what people there are.
   15. I cannot choose which one I like more: glasses or contacts.
   16. I finally realized school is not everything, but it is something.
   17. I am a Christian. God is my love.
   18. I know, I’m pretty annoying sometimes.
   19. I tend to swear a lot in my head, I am currently trying not to.
   20. I do not like the fact that I have a year round school.
   21. A couple people have said I have changed a lot since last year. It feels like it. Have I really?
   22. I really thank God for coming into my life. What the heck would I be doing right now if I did not realize that before?
   23. I am only at twenty three, huh? I like to dream a lot.
   24. I have always wondered what I myself was going to feel when I was around 20ish.
   25. I hope my friends do not go away any time soon but nothing is eternal so I might as well cherish these moments.
   26. I have always wanted to live in San Francisco, ever since I was in kindergarten.
   27. Has begun to extremely dislike planes.
   28. Has also been scared of airport security.
   29. Was thinking of calling someone while waiting at the airport for two hours.
   30. I really do love you, lola.
   

PT 2.

1. I like potato chips yet I do not like them.
2. I am sensitive. Yet I always find a way to trick myself when I get hurt, make me think it was all a pure and simple joke. Like an experiment. That scientist part of me takes ahold of me too much.
3. I have the best cousins ever.
4. I really wish I could find a “right” church for me back at home.
5. I am researching churches right now. I want help. Where is Carlsbad?
6. I often wonder if I am incomprehensibly smart or blind and obviously dumb.
7. I have an alligator head in my room. A real one.
8. I used to have a fear of roller coasters but it’s all good now.
9. Trusting people wholly is sort of a new thing for me.
   
10. I don’t know why I just made that bold font. Maybe to make a point?
11. It surprised me when Tyler Perry’s “Madea Goes To Jail” was not entirely comedy.
12. I love Hayao Miyazaki’s movies.
13. I used to play Guitar Hero III a lot. Not proud that I can play extreme.
14. I really only pick up my Bible once or twice a week. I really am ashamed of myself. I should do it more.
15. I fail at things a lot.
16. I often wonder if I am crazy or not.
17. I like popcorn, ramen, and Hong Kong Style Noodles.
18. I dissected a frog once and it seemed dull to me.
19. When I say something stupid and I notice, it leaves another idiot stamp on my forehead, along with the hundreds of other ones. Like Liana, “If it takes you a long time to get over my words, it will take me even longer.” (I don’t think I quoted that correctly)
20. I wish that someone would notice that side of me.
21. I am half filipino and half white.
22. I sort of think the Jonas Brothers are okay. I don't really care for them much, though.
23. Rock, Christian Rock, Alternative, Pop.
24. I am currently reading Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.
25. I want earrings but I don't have my ears pierced.
26. I currently have five working game systems.
27. I dislike sand to some extent.
28. I live around seven miles from Mexico.
29. I have a BlackBerry.
30. I currently am getting worked up over Tumblr but Blogger is fine as well.

PT. 3.

1. I prefer facebook over myspace.
2. I like the color blue.
3. I tend to forget pretty much everything in general. A lot.
4. My room is messy due to my cousins' presence and I really want to clean it right now.
5. I am pretty much used to both hot and cold weather.
6. I am right handed.
7. I don't like running.
8. I don't care much for Hollister, but apparently my friends don't like it so I guess it isn't that nice.
9. I am a fatty. HA.
10. I really want a funnel cake at this moment.
11. I have been trying to keep up A and B average in school.
12. People say I would not have even a tiny chance in the ghetto.
13. I took beginning spanish, and forgot pretty much all of it.
14. I guess I am seeing pandas at the zoo tomorrow.
15. I have never gotten a manicure or pedicure. I should get one.
16. I haven't been to the dentist in around a year and a half.
17. My hopes and dreams for the future? Not really sure of them yet.
18. Apparently we are not supposed to run with Converse.
19. I despise watching the news.
20. Anime and manga are a big point to me.
21. I used to live in Guam.
22. I really want to ride a roller coaster right now.
23. I would want my life to be like an anime character's for at least one day.
24. I want to play guitar.
25. A BMX bike sounds awesome.
26. I used to love Pokemon with a burning passion.
27. Staying at hotels are fun.
28. I once went snorkeling and saw a barracuda.
29. I have a wart on my hand.
30. Sometimes I wonder if I secretly have ADD because my attention span is really small most of the time.
31. I often dream subconsciously of what it would like if I was drunk.
32. Finishing things is hard for me.
33. I am a neat freak but I am too lazy to get up and make things neat.
34. South Park and Fresh Prince.
35. I tend to speak in large words sometimes.
36. AIM is starting to get on my nerves a little bit. No, scratch that, my entire computer is.
37. I like the journey more than the destination when it comes to long car rides.
38. I wish there was a like button on everything.
39. A BlackBerry is not that complicated if you spend some time with it.
40. I don't know what the last one should be, but it should go off with a bang. Let's just leave it as it is for now, hm?

Okay, I am done with this list. 100.

My Heart's Condition

I have already started utterly missing them!

I am hopeless. I haven’t even left yet.

I wish I could just talk to someone from there on the phone but then it would be sort of awkward in a way I guess due to the fact I haven’t got on the plane and flown back home yet.

I am still overly happy though because of how nice a night it was, hanging out with the church, praising God, eating froyo.

(Thanks to Selene for treating me by the way even though she’ll probably not read this but I already said thank you so it’s okay I guess but I will say thank you again but it kind of feels like I’m just saying it to myself.)

I WILL MISS IT. A LOT.

Just like every time, my vacation here goes by so fast, and it is so amazing.

But then life back home goes so slow and nothing really awesome happens, maybe a movie or two with my friends or should I say acquaintances every couple weeks, but it doesn’t have the same feeling of contentment.

With God, I should always be content, but when I’m with my friends from San Francisco I’m more than content.

Don’t get me wrong, God makes me happiest. But somehow I feel a ton more happier with my friends in SF than my friends in SD.

They’re the closest I have to family. And, truth be told, I love both my family and friends.

*SIGH*

Is this what results to moving so much? Making close friends for the first time is a nice feeling.

But missing them is really a lot worse.

It's a strange kind of feeling.

Have you ever noticed, that when two people are in a car, they talk about hecka random stuff all the way until the ride is over, but when there are three, it’s really awkward and quiet? Well this might apply sometimes, but it's a lot easier to talk when there's only two, right? Right?

I Think The Air Might Be Suffocating Me.

“Imagining that silent scream I always pulled off, I bravely moved on to the next ride, excited for what was to come.”

I cannot believe I actually thought to say that when I got home and lazily watched Cartoon Network and typed on Blogger.

I am so LAME!

I wasn’t actually going to say that though.

Oh well, today was nice, lots of thrills, but again, the happiness was temporary. I mean, honestly, before I found God, I was trying to search for the word “happiness”. I really didn’t know what it felt like and thought it was not true at all until I found my Father. For a while, after I rode my first thrill ride a couple years ago, I thought that the simple feeling of the changing background every second, the wind pelting your face, and the screaming of the people sitting next to you was “happiness”. All I can say to that now is wow, I was really ignorant back then.

I HAVE

A Tumblr!
Itsfirelandnotdisneyland.tumblr.com.

Anyway,
the post I wrote earlier on tumblr:

["I honestly

need to read the Bible right now. Figure things out. I do make too many mistakes, and to say that I’m truely trying to work on it is a lie. I think and wish that I would start to fix it, and I start to, but something just brings me down again. I wish I could help other people, instead of only myself. I really am selfish, and I know it. Honestly, I am really in a rocky situation right now, and yet, I’m not doing anything. It can’t always be like this, y’know. Someone yelling, screaming, and ignoring me after my mistakes isn’t helping. I will always make those dumb little mistakes, it’s pretty much been a part of me. Tripping on things, I don’t TRY to do those things. I say a lot of wrong things, but I don’t TRY to do those. I don’t want to cause trouble to anyone else, even if it hurts myself. Yet I don’t actually DO it. I’m living off my family even as we speak. How can I help both myself and others? How do I become closer to Him? What should I do? Honestly, I don’t know right now. I’m not just talking about my cousin, I’m talking about everyone else. I make too many mistakes, I have to be more mature. I need to start, yet I am not.

Posing questions to myself makes me more confused. Maybe I just need to talk to someone. Not vent to a person, but to God. He has a path, I know it. He gives blessings every single second of my day, I know that. I love him with all my heart. I just wish that I didn’t make so many dumb mistakes."]

After a long talk with my older cousin about responsibility due to me forgetting my sock and my toothbrush and a lot of other things, I finally got it into my head that I don't have to do everything now. I will still make tons of mistakes, I just have to learn from them now, instead of sitting there trying to figure out how to grow up in a day. He was exactly right. I was trying to become an adult when I was most certainly not. Maybe I am like every other teenager. The problem lingering in my head is being the same. I don't want to be a rebel, but I never want to be that girl that gossips all the time about random useless things and goes around the school asking for lotion like hobos ask for food. I have God with me. "I am different." Oh well. I will let that thought linger in my head without trying to get it out, hopefully.

Voices

As I walked in the room, my mind was constantly telling me that I didn’t belong there. I kept swerving from blushing to becoming dead silent. The one that was not invited, but was there anyway due to some circumstances.

Title:

Today, I blog for, well, I don't know. Nothing in particular, really. Just to write. To do something instead of lounging around, playing countless games of Egyptian War and eating McDonald s. Honestly, for the past three or so I have been doing nothing really "useful". Not one thing to prepare for the future, or the present itself. I'm just going with the flow. But, I actually kind of like it. Spending treasured moments with family and close friends. This is what I dream of every night at home. It is a blessing. Whenever I am reminded of home, I freeze and wonder about those nights all alone, simply thinking about when I would come back to the place I adore. This is not my home. I know that. But almost everything I love is in the place that is nowhere near the piece of land where I sleep, eat, and go to school every day. I often wonder why God did this, and keep saying to myself, it's to make me stronger. It's hard though. I have friends, but they're strangers to me that I have barely met. Well, I could not really call them friends, if I describe them that way. Maybe I am being too dramatic. Obviously, I am not going to stay here much longer. I do not want to bother with the future to come. Yet, I am being constantly touched by the people of home, being told over and over again about this "future". I know, that is a good thing. I love my parents. I should pay more attention to them. I should hug them more. I should tell them that I appreciate them more. I should not flinch every time my father hugs me. I should not feel aggravated when my mother tries to tell me what to do. I should be stronger. I should be smarter. I should care more about other people. I should put away useless time wasted on the computer for God. I should swear less. I should yell less. I should cry less. I should stop bragging in my head. I should stop staying up late. I should stop thinking of my friends and appearance so much. I should stop worrying about the future. I should stop being so selfish. I'm so far from perfect. I'm not even half. I'm not even one-fourth. Despite that, God still loves me as I am. I cannot imagine how anyone could love me so much. But God does, right? He loves me despite all my imperfections. He loves me no matter what. Even knowing that, I still need to change myself and become more focused so I can grow with my Savior. My Father. My Friend. So I won't lose hope. God made me bloom as a Christian. My past is supposed to be gone. Not completely gone, because the past will not be erased from your system no matter what. I believe the past was made so you could take pride on how you had overcome all those trials. And remember how you got to this very moment. Nice time, recalling the past and all.

Past, Present, Future...
What a nice gift.